ASU professor offers tips for handling friction-filled family gatherings this season
Photo courtesy of RDNE Stock Project
Many people are grateful for the opportunity to gather with family for the holidays. Others are grateful when the gatherings are over.
There are various reasons why these family get-togethers can be complicated — from clashing personalities to toxic family members to estrangements.
Still, there are ways to not only endure but maybe even enjoy the holidays, despite difficult family dynamics.
Here, Arizona State University Professor Abigail Gewirtz explains the patterns behind friction-filled family gatherings and offers tips for surviving these situations this season.
Gewirtz is a Foundation Professor in ASU’s Department of Psychology. She is also the director of the REACH Institute and the Center for Resilient Families.
Note: Answers have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Question: While many people are happily preparing for the holidays, others are stressed about surviving family gatherings. How common are friction-filled family gatherings?
Answer: Friction-filled family gatherings are more common than we think. There are many reasons for friction — old feuds, disagreements that fester and aren’t resolved, or just differences of opinion and strong feelings by different family members, particularly in this quite polarized time in our nation.
Q: Why are the holidays such a flash point for family conflict? Why do family functions — especially during the holidays — bring up so much stress or anxiety for people?
A: Being with family can easily take us back to the days of our childhood, both fun and friction filled. Old feuds rear their ugly heads again — even if we plan and hope for things to be different this time. We get together with our family and end up behaving as we did when we were kids!
Q: Are there certain personalities or communication styles that tend to make the holidays more difficult? What are some strategies to handle them?
A: People who are very attached to their beliefs and who feel that there is only one right way — their way — to go through life can make interactions more difficult. Family gatherings with more than one of these people can get complicated and stressful. Arguing and opposing viewpoints can raise tensions and set families up for disagreements and bad feelings.
If this is very likely to happen in your family, one way to approach an upcoming family gathering is to set limits on the types of discussions you’ll have. Instead of telling others what not to talk about, you could say, “We’ve decided to focus our theme on gratitude this year." ... If you can set up your family gathering on a positive note, you’ll lessen the chances of going down the conflict-ridden rabbit hole.
And if things nonetheless devolve, have some distraction strategies at hand. Move everybody out for a game, split people on opposing sides up so that some help you in the kitchen or serve food.
Q: What are some strategies for managing anxiety before and during family gatherings?
A: There are lots of proven strategies to manage your own anxiety. When things are escalating, remember to take a deep breath in and an even longer breath out. Feel your feet in your shoes, your shoes on the floor and look around and notice five things in the room.
Grounding yourself allows you to take some perspective and takes you out of your own head. It allows you to remind yourself that you are with your family, who you mostly love, and that you are grateful to be well and able to celebrate the holidays. Or think of something else to be grateful for.
Q: It’s a shame to not attend a family dinner with people you love because of one person you loathe. When does that become necessary?
A: It's not necessary to absent yourself from a family gathering because of one person, unless that person is a danger to you. We don’t get to choose our family like we get to choose our friends, but our family is a huge part of our lives, and parents and siblings in particular are our very first and most enduring bonds.
Making the effort to be with family, even if they annoy or irritate you is important in the long run. None of us can live without any support or community, and our family members are our original community and support, so they are worth investing in. If you truly loathe a family member, think about why that is and what you can do to understand that person a bit better. Be the bigger person and make the first move at a reconciliation. And if that’s not possible, just work around them. In most family gatherings, there are plenty of other people to spend time with.
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